I am the only English speaking person in this country

For those of you who know me well, you can easily picture the blank faced look of confusion I make when something is said that I don’t understand. I will be the first to admit that this isn’t exactly my best look, however, since I consider myself one step short of a genius, it is not a look I have to make all too often. 

Or at least that was the case- until I got to Australia. I first complained to you all about trying to understand the Asian-Australian accent. That was a struggle, and still is, but what I had failed to mention to you is that I couldn’t exactly understand any of the real Australians either. Every time an Australian spoke to me, it would take about thirty seconds of processing, and once I finally registered what they were saying, I’d then have to formulate a half-coherent answer as quickly as possible to make up for my thirty- second gap of deciphering their previous statement. I’m sure many wondered “does she have a social disorder, or maybe the IQ of 2?” But I was doing the best that I could, and I hoped that within a few weeks of living here I’d adjust.

It is now four months later, and instead of settling in and things getting easier on the communication front, it has gone horribly downhill.  The more I have immersed myself here, the more I have come to the conclusion that these people simply do not speak English.

This theory was somewhat confirmed when my PR teacher was kind enough to sit me down one day before class and explain to me that I should not be concerned about my utter lack of understanding because he and everyone else spoke Australian, which was not interchangeable with civilized English. What does Australian entail that our English does not? Well I will tell you.

Australians are the laziest creatures on this earth when it comes to speaking. They have shortened virtually every word past five letters making it so that full sentences can consist of purely one syllable words. It’s somewhat similar to how I envision cavemen communicating. I'll give you a few examples:

Breakfast- Brekky

Tutorial (same as recitation)- Tute

Avocado- Avo

Afternoon- Arv

Instead of typing “Bye” I get an “x”

Melbourne- Melbs

University- Uni

And then there are those various words and phrases that are just flat out different than anything you’d hear back in the US. I have taken it upon myself for the sake of this blog post to not only translate for you all, but to also insert my personal feedback in regards to my perceived adequacy or inadequacy of these sayings. 

“How are you going?” – Can I help you with anything? Oftentimes used by store clerks to ask if you need anything. It can also be used for how are you? Why this phrase sucks- you would never say “I am going well.” You would say “things are going well” or “I am well.” Overall, "how are you going" just sounds entirely wrong, and it is grammatically incorrect. 

“Are you keen?” – “Would you like to do this/Do you want to?” Keen is one of those words that I can only envision my great Irish Grandmother using. And even then, I’m convinced that using this word would be considered unfashionable and outdated.

“Hey”- You know you are in Australia when every sentence out of someone’s mouth has the word “hey” randomly inserted into it. No occasion is needed for a hey and after observing, I’ve concluded that people will typically throw it in once every 5-7 words thus contributing to the fact that it has no official meaning. Hey is often tacked onto the end of a sentence, somewhat like the Canadian “eh,” but I have also heard it used it as a replacement for “what/what did you say/are you up for this?”

Another cultural aspect of Australia that links into their questionable communication skills is the overall lack of a filter these people have. On my spring break I went on a guided tour around the natural wonders in a town called Cairns. The tour guide immediately announced that he’d buy me a free shot of tequila at lunch if I “flashed my tits,” (I obviously did no such thing) and proceeded to spend the rest of the tour talking way too much about  “orgasms, penises, sex,” and every other topic you were taught never to bring up in public. “Captain Matty” as they called him, informed me that I didn’t look slutty enough to be a stripper (um, thanks?) and warned me never to bang the diving instructors in Cairns (because that was the first thing on my list to do) among many other inappropriate references.  Did I mention that this was the number one recommended tour to take in the entire city of Cairns? This is casual dinner talk as far as Auzzies go, and as much as I reject the influence that living in the South has had on me because living in Chapel Hill hardly counts, my inner southern bell really shined through as I sat there squirming with discomfort every time he opened his mouth. 

I will send you all off with a few random terms/phrases here that are literally nowhere to be found in the US. You can thank me later (preferably via Starbucks giftcards) for educating you.

Fairy floss: Cotton Candy

Playsuit: Romper

Capsicum: Pepper

Larriken: Troublesome young man

Bogan: Hick

Togs: Bathing suit

Thongs: Flip flops

Now that I have given you a brief foreign language lesson on how to communicate with Australians, I am off to spend my last 3 remaining weeks in Australia. I'll be in Sydney, Melbourne, and Cairns... then back to Chapel Hill I come (everyone try hard to contain your excitement). 

I also feel the need to show you pictures of a restaurant famous in Australia called Max Brenner's chocolate bar, which is dedicated purely to chocolate. 

White chocolate cookie shake

Milk chocolate home-made icecream with pecans, brownies, melted milk chocolate, and chocolate waffle balls

Mom and dad- prepare for the medical bills associated with diabetes

 

Until next time.

-F